The initial week has flashed past and its like having gone to hell and back. The fear of epidural and c-section is NOTHING compared to its aftermath. I was purely 'functional' towards my beautiful child in the first week - ie. solely breastfeeding, could not hug or hold her much because i was in such physical pain. I think the brain represses bad memories because as hard as i try to recall, i can only remember this much from the past 11 days and there's really a whole lot more i wanted to write.
Let me try my best to flash back (in point forms):
- csection - tolerable, no side effects other than 'epishakes' (lips and entire body quickering like earthquakes due to the epidural) could barely speak audibly as i was trembling too much. very nice anesthetist Dr Phua i had, very reassuring and would tell me every step of what he was about to do so that i need not get a rude shock.
- aftermath Day 1,2 - first day was ok as i was still on the painkiller drip. but as soon as that was removed, the real pain set in and i was bedridden for 2 days, urine bag attached. i was stuck in almost the same position without turning or sitting up much. it was pure misery. i laid there until i got real backache. i was drowsy from the medication that i kept falling asleep while nursing belle. i wanted to sit up so bad but the wound was keeping me from it. the hosp bed was so uncomfy and the aircon was forever too cold to sleep comfortably in.
- aftermath Day 3 - on the 3rd day, i finally got up with some assistance. my my my.. my womb felt like i had 100 medicine balls weighing down on it. every step needed effort, every step needed courage. the nurse told me that i had to get up and walk before the urine bag could be removed from me. i wanted my mobility back and so i had to try. upon seeing that i could move about so ever slowly, the nurse removed my urine bag and the catheter from my left wrist. i was a free woman. but alas, there were other physical pains too overwhelming, for me to still take in all her beauty and really enjoy having her. lets see - SORE AND BLEEDING NIPPLES from her powerful suck, itchy, allergic rashes that were breaking out, indescribable pain from the wound and bad, bad BAD, MAJOR WATER RETENTION that was affecting the way i walk cuz it was so bloated that i could not even flex my ankle. I was walking as slowly as a centurion grand old lady, as fragile as the autumn leaves. i sobbed like a baby when i had to first cough, i dare not even cough as every cough threatened to burst those stitches, it was searing hot pain. i never felt such pain before and helplessness. I could hardly do anything myself and could not even pick up something when it dropped. i felt like a useless retarted fool.
- aftermath Day 4 onwards - somehow or rather.. once i left the hosp, i felt slightly better as i was back home. nothing beats being at home. although i was still in pain, it was creeping away bit by bit, without me being aware of it at times. from having to take steps, one step at a time like a young child.. i was soon able to walk up and down the stairs like a normal person does.. still, it was done carefully and slowly.. today at day 12, i am back to my usual speed. i was also too busy caring for Mirabelle that i had no time to think about my own pain. it has been pumping, washing, sterilising, drying, pumping again.. never-ending cycle. of course she gets cranky at night and i was barely sleeping.. i would say it has taken me an entire week to really start to feel better. of course it helped that i could wash my hair on day 6 onwards.. it was pure bliss..
- Day 7-9 - belle was admitted to TMC for jaundice, level 15.7. she was 8.9 upon discharge 4 days ago. it was heartbreaking, heartbreaking to see her tiny body under the harsh blue lights, lying in the cold plastic for 48 hours. it was the best for her, or so we thought. it costs us $1050 a lesson learnt. we did not know there was actually a renting option for the phototherapy machine where the device would be delivered to our home and back. i thought they were really unethical not having informed us. i suppose those 2 days brought along with it some good things:
- 1) i learn that my bb has a voracious appetite! i was still stupidly giving her 30ml, as i was following hosp's portion. auntie say 30ml is for day 1,2 only. she was drinking up to 90ml in the phototherapy. auntie say she's queen of cupdrinking there, heh. suck super fast and hard.
- 2) both me and hubby had time to recharge and organise our lives abit more and be more ready to welcome her home
- 3) i had time to let my boobs heal. had time to pump, didnt know i could pump out more than 100ml from both sides in 25min before, cuz was desperately trying to give her the best, whatever little i could do.
- 4) i stopped cup feeding. felt that it was a dumb idea and i'm not about to spill my precious ebm!! alot goes to tissue sometimes and when she wiggles, sure got spillage! so i heck care, switch to bottle.. she took it on fantastically, i was ready if she were to reject my boobs. but thankfully, she latches on like before, no prob at all. so now she's both latching and drinking my ebm, if not enuff i will top it up with FM.. i dont pump 3-4hourly.. sometimes like 6,7 hourly.. find it very hard to keep to schedule. so many things to do! my last pump was last nite abt 2am.. today havent pump at all.. cuz photoshoot.. now gotta take a catnap.. if she cry, i will just temporary stuff my boobs for her to latch. but still supplement, cuz i have no idea how much she's drinking at all and i think she is going to need more. i know my supply will never match up to her demands (at least for now).. so i just try to take it easy.. supplement with FM.. no pt stressing over it cuz it will only make it worse. yest there was slight dip in my ebm.. only 70ml.. kinda sad but din let it get to me.. so last nite went back up to 85ml.. now i dunno...
- 5) the rashes on her are also gone, which is good. jaundice level dropped.
- 6) i learnt that i put too little bottom balm liao.. must put more.. leave it whitish looking also ok.. if not will get nappy rash.. now bb sleeps longer throughout the night and is much more contented cuz she's fed the right amt :)
- Day 10 - Mirabelle's first photoshoot :) - 15 Mar 2010
isnt she such a darling? :) *beaming with pride*
i'm so thankful that she was relatively cooperative for the photoshoot as it required her to be sleeping all the while, while being manipulated into the cute poses as above. she did cry and fussed a couple of times but very quickly quietened down after her dad soothed and carried her. thankful to the photographer, Kelly, who allowed me to take a few snaps here and there, otherwise i would have been in such torture waiting for the end product to be ready! looking forward to seeing the real pro results! :)
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